A Collection
By F. Alex Wells, Jr.
Honorable mention, poetry
A Life Saved
He survived Cancer
Only to be plagued by unexplainable, intractable pain
So much so that he could only imagine escape by suicide
That didn’t work
So he tried again
That didn’t work either
Because they raced him to the hospital
They made it to the trauma bay in time
And on the recovery unit
His heart stopped beating
Finally
But they crashed his ribs
Slammed his sternum into his heart
Mashing it over and over
Forcing blood through his body
Until his heart started beating again
A life saved?
Alone
Tears streaming down his face
He walked in and gently took her still hand
Pleading “Come on, wake up – get up”
He leaned to kiss her forehead
Then picking both of their backpacks up off the floor
He slung them over his shoulders
Walking out of the hospital
Alone he carried their world on his shoulders
John A. Barns
Lying in his hospital bed
Family gathered close by
Telling stories of life and love
Holding his hand to say goodbye
Lying in his hospital bed
IV tubes and monitors gone
No beeping, no buzzing, no numbers
Watching and waiting to say goodbye
Lying in his hospital bed
His dad recalled a story
Of a little boy and his granddaddy
Eating breakfast long ago
Living now on cassette tape
“Just an ordinary breakfast
Between Daddy and Alex”
Lying in his hospital bed
Alex… the A is for Alex
And all this time I’ve been calling him John
One at a Time
One at a time
As if queued in line for a waterslide
Solitary tears would slip
Out of the corner of his eyes
Gently slide down the length of his nose
And hang, suspended, dangling off the tip
As if gathering courage
To let go and take the plunge
Plunge they would, one by one
Into the steaming cup of coffee
He held to his lip but didn’t tip to sip
He simply held it there, gathering tears
And just like that, he watched his mother die.
Sometimes
Sometimes
Honoring a patient’s wishes
Leaves a family haunted
With more questions than answers
Sometimes
Honoring a patient’s wishes
Leaves an entire community bewildered
Scrambling to make meaning of unexpected loss – unimaginable pain
Sometimes
We’re left wondering
If the patient’s wishes would have changed
Had they known the road they would travel
Had they known the turns their path would take
Had they known how quickly they would arrive
At their final destination
Sometimes
This lived tension hits closer to home
Affecting people we love
Leaving us standing in the space of knowing
Yet incapable of speaking
Yearning to comfort
Resting in the desolate and lonely place of doing right by the patient
Sometimes
This is a heavy burden to carry
Stay
Yellow eyes
Green skin
Bandaged sores all over his body
Emaciated, with loose skin everywhere
Blanket kicked off
Gown pulled up around his ribs
Restless, he writhes and wriggles
Mittens on his hands keep him safe from himself
Dried and fresh blood stain his skin
From a traumatic catheterization earlier in the day
Please take this sheet off my foot
Please… I beg you, please
As tears run down his cheeks
Stay
I tell myself
Stay and let him feel love’s presence
And he does
And his fragile voice, soft as a whisper at first, sings
Oh Jesus
My Jesus
Without him, how lost I would be
I joined him and we sang together
Over and over
Softly and tenderly
And then he prayed.
They Gathered to Scatter
Standing close
Leaning in
Intent on every word the doctor spoke
“So they got his heart back?”
“Yes
We did
But it is still a very serious situation”
As she walked out of the waiting room
Down the hall toward the patient’s room
Sanitizing wipes came out
Gloved hands I hadn’t noticed until this moment
Wiped down every surface but the ceiling and the floor
Then to their corners they went
Like boxers in a ring
They sat like that
Tucked into corners
No two of them any closer than six feet apart
And they waited with bated breath
Hoping not to begin grieving this child together this night
Then
Softly at first
The sound of gospel music began to spill
Out of the mother’s cell phone
And into the waiting room
One aunt after another joined in the song
Until the phone was on full volume
And voices followed
Mom stood and rocked back and forth with her back to the room
As if watching out the window
Were the shade not drawn
Her view must have been more beautiful
More powerful
Only feet away
Through walls of concrete and steel
An army toils and sweats
In masks
In gowns
In gloves
To give a young man one more chance at life
F. Alex Wells, Jr., M.A., is a staff chaplain with Pastoral Care and Clinical Pastoral Education at UAMS.