By Lindsey Johnson
Honorable mention, poetry
Sometimes, I wander around the house aimlessly.
I feel lost. As though I’m forgetting something. Searching.
My heart knows it’s you.
I know it’s you I’m looking for. . .
Trying to figure out how it is that you’re not here and the world kept turning.
Subconsciously trying to place the pieces of the puzzle. . .
What I’d be doing if you were here.
What you would look like, the noises you would be making.
Missed milestones.
Imagining what the weight of you in my arms would be like again.
Instead, I feel the weight of your absence.
My body has not yet adapted to your loss. . .
Postpartum. Grieving.
Full breasts. Empty arms.
Hope planned a nursey. Reality planned a funeral.
And still, I keep trying to place you in my every day routine.
Keeping you in my life, a part of me.
Forever my son. Still my son. Always.
My heart knows it’s you I’m looking for. . .
My head knows you’re gone.
Lindsey Johnson, RN, is a clinical coordinator for UAMS Kids First in Searcy.